college apps & high school memories.

college apps have me on a love-hate relationship. i hate it cause its stressful to write so many essays, attempting to have every single aspect of your application perfect. whats even worse is that once you reach this point, you cant really do anything to get in a few extra club positions, get a better gpa, or any of that. you just kinda have to accept what you have and go with it.



and then you think to yourself, damn if only i had just gotten things done a little sooner, thought about this back in freshmen year.
but seriously, like that would have happened.
when i think about it now, i would think its so important to be thinking about college in ninth grade.
but lets get real.
my freshman year, my goal was just to get those As and do my homework. i had absolutely no idea which colleges i liked or what i wanted to do.



with that said, college apps make you reflect on yourself. put you on a journey of rediscovering who you are and whats most important to you. what events were life changing.
its just amazing to look back on my years in high school and just contemplate how much ive changed. going from someone with no purpose to someone who actually has a sense of direction is a huge change.
and just the way i have matured and the way my actions and emotions have altered.
just noticing the friends that have changed, new and old.
the emotional rollercoasters of romance.



sometimes you wish you could just stay close with everyone and have that tight bond forever.
deep down, you know that it cant happen, that its not true.
ive had my fair share of gained and lost friends,
along with that typical emotional rollercoaster of romance.


once you realize you cant keep every single friend, since people change, you discover who mean the most to you and who will stay with you til the end.
im fortunate enough to have found them, and i love them with all my heart.
i hope i never lose the close bond i have with them, because i know friends like mine dont come around that often.
but im not gonna lie.
its still depressing to know that all these people youre used to seeing all the time will disappear in an instant.
/:

as for the emotional rollercoaster, haha. been there, done that.
i am a definitely firm believer of staying friends. and why not ?
and even if i am in high school and i thought i found love, who's to say i havent ?
how would anyone else know besides me ?
and no, im not saying ive loved every guy ive fallen for.
cause i certainly havent.
yes i liked them a lot, but love is different.
teenagers get stereotyped for the "puppy love" and thinking its foolish that some of us could feel and understand love.
thats cause we got a majority of stupid dipshits that say i love you every five seconds in every single relationship from the first til the twentieth.
i mean seriously, whats so bad about saving the love for when you actually feel it ?

that doesnt mean dont ever use the word love, or even be afraid to admit you feel it.
if you can honestly say that you loved the person during that time, but then realized later on that you were mistaken, then oh well.
we make mistakes, we're human after all.
at least you were going with what you were feeling, and not going by what you "should" say in a relationship.


but anyways. i got carried off with high school/life lessons.
back to college apps.

.. college apps.
those two words put together can be so intimidating.
this process is pretty much determining the next four years of my life and the outcome of my future in general.
its so hard just to press that submit button, to finish filling out the application, to finish that essay.
it can either make you or break you.
wherever i go to college shapes such a huge part of my life.
and how do i even know that the majors i have listed are what i REALLY want to do ?

i plan on double majoring in psychology and dance.
idk if its just me, but i feel like later in life ill realize the passion was never there.
and end up with some job that i despise.
i dont want to be one of those people who dread going to work for their entire lifetime !


anyway,
i feel like im going to be leaving so much behind, embracing a whole new chapter of my life.
a HUGE ASS part of me cant WAIT for college.
but then im still attached to my home and my friends here.
its just irreplaceable.
and ill just be honest.
im scared.
maybe its wrong to think this way, but what if i just dont end up successful in life ?
all these life questions pop up and make it so hard to move on in life.
here, i just do my school work like im supposed to, then do whatever else i want.

so carefree.


but then i feel like i really DO know what i want to do.
dance gives me such freedom.
all my emotions just flow out and i escape into my own world.
and seriously, psychology is just so interesting.
i love my psych ap class.

but is it enough to live off of ?
how do i know ill be able to live the priveleged life i live now ?

seriously, pv kids are so spoiled.
unlike most of my peers up on the hill here, i actually worry about not living this way forever.
i dont live in a fucking bubble in this snobby area.


alright.
im done contemplating and being all philosophical.
peace suckas.

p.s PV sucks major ballsacks.
college, here i FUCKING come (: