merry christmas !

HEEELLLLOOOO :D


merry christmas !
happy holidays !
(X

so as you can see im in a super super good mood.
:D:D:D:D:D

maybe because i dont have to use my insanely broken phone anymoreee.
hahaha.
yeah that could possibly be it.
but i also just love christmas.
its so joyful. it always gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside hahaha.


okay so:
are there any updates for my blog REALLY ?
not really.
hahahaa. so if you feel like reading random talking,
this is the blog for you.

so basically im doing pretty good.
so no, this isnt an angry or depressed blog.
&those that i DO know that read my blogs,
i know that some of you are always interested in my love life stories & such.
even though i never really name names in these things.

well as it has occurred to me just recently,
i am currently and officially GROSSED THE FUCK OUT by one of the seductive seven.
like seriously, as soon as i hear the name...well mei knows the rest(X
&btw, grossed the fuck out is a hyperbole. HAHAHA.
and i would like to officially announce for those that are in touch with the seductive seven,
that i believe one has left the seductive seven, but then another one joined.
so therefore there is no need to change the number hahaha.
at least i think.
some of the seductive seven i havent really kept in detailed touch with.

now at some point, im "supposedly" leaving for hawaii.
this has yet to be determined because the parentals have YET to look for plane tickets.
so im sorry if i cant really arrange anything, blame them.


until i write again,
i hope EVERYONE is having a good break !

p.s even though it has been CLEARLY stated in both stauses of my facebook and myspace,
i have YET to be kissed under the misltetoe.
like seriously that is the only bad part about my christmas.
*cough cough ************ cough cough*

&no, each star isnt a letter. haha.

p.p.s im sorry nothing too exciting has happened recently in my life that i can post.
the juicy stuff that HAS happened isnt really for the blog.
LOLL. okay i should shuttup now.
gnighttt :D<3

dedicated to anne turner<3

RIP Anne Turner<3

she passed away friday or saturday night.
she had cancer, but she lived a long life.
she was my next door neighbor who i saw as a grandmother to me.
she took care of me whenever i locked myself out of the house.
she was one of the sweetest ladies i have ever met in my life.
i only regret not seeing her recently before she died.
she is the reminder to me that death can come at any time,
&we should take NOTHING for granted.
we only live once, & we never know when its gonna end,
so we have to live every moment at its fullest.
i miss her immensely & i can only imagine how her husband feels.
so i dedicate this blog & the following poem to her.
anne, you meant so much to me, i love you.

i have seen death come and go,
never was i expected to know;
that you were next in line to take,
if i could, there would be so many changes id make.
i would have told you at least once a day,
i am so grateful for all the times you let me stay.
i would have told you that you make me smile,
everytime i thought i wouldnt see happiness for awhile.
now youre gone & i feel a void in my heart,
the place i saved just for you feels so dark.
however nothing can compare to what i see in your husband,
the emptiness im sure he feels comes through from the way he stands.
you can tell hes not himself cause he doesnt look the same,
theres an air of emptiness about him & his smile never came.
i cant blame him, for you are so amazing,
if i try hard enough, maybe ill see your face when i am star gazing.
i miss you immensely, but you have taught me a lot,
you only benefited my life & i can only be grateful for your advice that i sought.
i know you no longer feel the pain anymore,
i know youre heart is no longer sore.


i will never forget you and all that you have done for me.



be grateful for the people in your life,
never hold back from showing you care.
live every moment to its fullest,
expect the unexpected.

my thoughts for tonight.

so if you have been following along with my blogs,
you will notice that in the second entry,
i was extremely mad at someone.
because that person was a lying piece of shit.
well, whenever youre mad, dont you get the urge to cuss that person out like crazy ?
i do.
because we all know that if the person fucked up,
then they deserved to be cussed out.
but does it really solve anything ?
not really.
although i wish it did.
but nothing can really undo what that horrible and shitty person did to you.
the only thing you can do is be the "better person" & not let it get to you.

...right.

like thats gonna work for me.
you see, i may forgive but i never forget.
& i tend to hold grudges.
not many people get on my bad side,
so therefore i do not hold many grudges.
well it is unfortunate for me to say,
but i have now added another grudge to my very short list of grudges.

even though i am on the VERY end of the edge,
i must compose myself & realize that the lying piece of shit i now have a grudge against,
is not worth my time.
however,
i do hope that that person realizes that
1. he is a lying piece of shit.
2. nothing he can EVER do will change that in my mind.
3. he has no reason to EVER come in contact with me, although i am not mean enough to delete him off my friends list on either myspace or facebook. lol.
4. i do not like him one bit, & i truly feel sorry for the next person he screws over.
5. everything is NOT okay between me & him.
6. if he tries to fix things between me & him, he cant. so he should just give up & either get his act together or get the hell out of my life.
which i am quite glad to say that he is for the most part out of my life.

lastly, i do know that cussing him out is wrong and immature & over dramatic.
so all i will say to him, [besides the above bullet points] is this:
--i thought you were a better person than this. i thought you had morals. i thought you actually cared about me. i thought you were different, & im sorry you turned out to be someone i never thought you were. im sorry youre like this. im sorry you dont realize how much you hurt me.

&i do apologize for the fact that i might sound really pissed off & mean right now.
but actually i am not, cause i moved on from that stage.
i am just stating the above blog in a matter-of-fact tone.
LOL damn i cant believe i just related back to batson.
HAHAHA.
im lame.(X

okay that is it for tonight.
i need sleep so im not forced into the inveitable cycle of school torture.

oh & p.s. even though i may have mentioned BADLY needing a FB,
i think i know what decision to make [refer to entry 3.]
im just hope hes worth it.

what a pain.

school sucks.
students are merely victims of the education hierarchy.
we are victims that get sucked into the torturous cycle of school.
we get lots of homework, which requires us to stay up late.
because we didnt get enough sleep, we end up fall asleep in class.
because we fell asleep in class, we didnt learn anything.
because we didnt learn anything, we fail our test.
because we failed our test, we need to study more to raise that grade.
because we need to study more, we stay up later.
DO YOU SEE THE INEVITABLE CYCLE OF TORTURE ?!

i do.

they complain about students falling asleep in school.
but whos fault is that ?
the student or the school curriculum ?
im always overloaded with work.
&i can only imagine what ap week will be like.
thanks to school, i basically dont have a life anymore.
&when i try to get out so i convince myself that i have friends,
i get screwed over for school.
gr.
something should be done about this.

now i realize that schools make attempts to lower our stress levels.
HAHA. AHAHAHA.
what bullshit !
omg so we get a little lecture about stress.
do they REALLY think thats going to help ?
i didnt think so.

&even when we DO get breaks from school,
we STILL get homework.
how messed up is that.
even during the summer !
they assign us homework.
how the hell is that possible !
*sigh* i really dont get it.


anyway,
i want to stop talking about school.
it sickens me.
lately ive been having to do some deep thinking.
have you ever had that feeling,
where you thought you knew what the right decision ?
then suddenly, you dont know what happened,
but something changed and youre back to where you started ?
yep, thats me.
i thought i knew what i wanted,
but then idk what happened, but now i dont know what i want anymore.
on the one side, hes really sweet and nice and caring.
on the other side, hes fun to talk to & we get along reeeeally well.
bleh.
i know ive said this multiple times,
but i really should deeply consider becoming a nun.
my life would be so much less complicated.
lol did that sentence make sense ?
i hope so.
but it would. my drama would like cease to exist & all id have to worry about is not having sexual thoughts when i become a nun.
LOLL.

i think i could do it.
even if none of you would have faith in me, hahaha.

til i write next time,
ponder on these words:

"the reason you cant get over someone, is because you havent found someone better."
--credit goes to phil`s teacher haha.

whether they are true or not, that is your decision//opinion.

ive got alot on my mind today.

quite frankly, ive been doing alot of thinking today.
&let me tell you there are good and bad parts.
good thing is, i think my friend & i are chill.
i think.
we`ll see how things play out.
personally i believe theyre still a little shaky, but its getting better.

bad thing is, im really disappointed in a few others.
i thought he/she had a bit more class then this, but i guess i was wrong.
i hate how you can get so caught up in what someone tells you,
that you dont realize that all of it could just be bullshit answers.
it makes you think twice about what people tell you.
especially what they tell you about themselves, cause thats what they tend to lie about the most.
&i admit, im a sucker for falling into those traps.
cause im always the one that wants to give everyone a chance.
then i get fucked over cause i believe in the honor system & get lied to.
i fall for it each time.
why ? im not so sure.
i guess its because i dont want to be afraid to let people in.
but maybe i should.
it makes me sick to think of every moment that i actually believed that they were telling the truth.
when i look at it now, im just like wow, im such a blind dumbass for not seeing that they were full of shit.
whatever.
im over it.
they can go on deceiving people. i dont care anymore.

&as a side note// last note,
i think im changing as a person.
&at the moment, i cant tell if its good or bad yet.
although part of me wants to say its bad.
oh boy.

i wonder if people will read these.

so im not really sure who will read these,
but whatever.
i dont care.

theyve always looked kinda funn so i wanted to try.
im not sure how long itll last, but we`ll seee.


okay soo.
lately ive been trying to fix things with a friend of mine.
but im not really sure how thats working out.
i thought everything was okay,
but idk, something doesnt feel the same.
its like you want things to be the same,
but you know thatll never happen.
i really hoping thats not true.
i want to save the friendship that i have,
but ever since that ONE thing,
everything has changed.
my friend isnt the same anymore.
i know for a fact im not giving up on my friend,
but sometimes you just get fed up with the way theyre acting.
you just cant help it.

my friend means the world to me,
but i cant help but think that its all getting thrown away because of him.



from day one i knew you`d be my best friend.
i knew that we`d stick it through til the end.
as years pass by, our friendship grew,
whenever i had a problem, you always knew.
through thick and thin, you were there for it all,
i never thought id see our friendship fall.
youre slowly fading, i cant comprehend,
this wasnt meant for one person to mend.
slipping through my grip, as i reach for your hand,
we`ll take a trip back in time to when we wrote our names on the sand.
we`re falling apart even though our friendship is so strong,
i cant help but think that this must be wrong.



i miss you<3