mylife.

to be honest,
i don't think it has really hit me yet.
that i'll never be going back to the same high school.
that i'll probably never see the majority of my classmates ever again.
i mean, i can't really feel this content knowing that my future is extremely uncertain and that i won't be seeing numerous people again for my lifetime.
it's like i won't miss it here at all.
i'm dying to get out of the house every day, every night.
i'm so anxious to move out and just be on my own.
but can i really handle it ?

as for drinking, who knows what my future holds.
i hate the taste of beer.
apparently everyone drinks in college.
most people think i already do.
i don't really even know what holds me back.
i use personal reasons. whether or not they apply to me .. well i don't really know.
why am i so hesitant ? yet so willing to try ?
people have this image of me.
that i'm this crazy outgoing girl.
maybe i just want to fulfill their expectations.
but i'm not one to care for others' opinions.

boys.
men.
sex.
i actually kinda want to wait until marriage.
crazy isn't it ? me .. waiting until marriage.
and i really only have one reason: i don't want to get pregnant before i'm married.
i don't want to be a teenage mom.
sorta pathetic, i know. trust me, i've heard your opinions.
"that's why they invented condoms, the birth pill, etc"
still. one night of fun isn't worth the consequences it could hold.
and as we go to college, girls are exposed to more than just their neighborhood guys.
college men are more dangerous.
college is your new gateway to the wonderful world of STD's, rape, & heartbreak.
but not to worry, it's also your new gateway to life-lasting friendships & love.

if you know me well, you probably know my life story with guys.
if you know me REALLY well, you know i overanalyze my relationships & i tend to panic.
panic about the future and long term committments.
and i dont just mean long relationships .. i'm talking about marriage.
yes, i'm that crazy and i think that far ahead.
i psyche myself out.
i mean i do have other reasons for why i end relationships.
but underneath it all, i'm just scared. scared shitless and untrusting.
i don't like being tied down at such an early age.
i just sit there and ask myself, "is this the guy i'm going to marry ? holy shit i'm gonna end up with him for the rest of my life ?"
and then i get to thinking, "there are so many people i have yet to meet, and i'm going to just settle for this one ?"
it's really not an insult to the guy.
i just freak myself out. i'm just so young.
these guys i end up with, i would never see a reason for it to end.
i would just see it lasting long enough to the point where we'd get married.
even though i wasn't sure i could see myself marrying him.
but when would the relationship ever end ?
yeah, i'm crazy. i know.

but this one was different. or is he ?
i tend to say that every now and then.
but is it ever true ?
it'd be helpful if i ever knew.
can i really make it through these next few months, & still feel the way i do ?
i really don't know .. but i wish i did.
there are so many things i miss .. so many reasons for me to run back to you.
i'm so close to caving in.
each time i feel my will to resist wear down.
this really is the worst.
at least if i knew you didn't want me, i could move on.
at least i would know there's no hope with you & i could convince myself that you're not the one.
but how can i ? .. it's true, i can't.

i've concluded also, that i think too much.
i overthink things a lot.
yet i'm a chill person.
i like going with the flow.
i am a hypocrite within myself.
amongst my own ideals.
funny thing, isn't it ?